Hi there, it’s been three days since I was able to write and post it immediately, upon finishing the entry. I was supposed to post about something else, but I think that this should be written and published right away. Guess what, I once again feel like once again, starting to go back to my old and not so good self. I even feel like I’m just only experiencing what it was like, having a better connection with the people around me for such a period of time. Too bad, I’m already somehow getting used to the feeling and even hope that it would last longer. In addition, things were really pushing me to negative emotions lately, which I’m trying to totally get rid of, as I’m about to start my freshman year on August 23.
For these past few days, I often have been dealing with the emotions I no longer wanted to experience and yet, they always find a way back to me. Over and over again, I’m going back to my toxic and worse self. I just actually began to believe that maybe, all of those people were right. I’m doubting myself again. It seems like what I’ve been trying to work out for so long has vanished. The plan of having self-love and self-care were seemingly unsuccessful. Another failure to add and another thing to regret.
I guess, I was meant to be this way, just being with myself for until someone truly cares and accepts me for who I am. Being the annoying and toxic kind of person, who barely possesses positive traits, it’s quite impossible to have at least one person; who would really choose to stick with me. I just recently understand why those only few people, I fully trusted and already get comfortable with, tend to leave me. I’m way much different and difficult to be with; these are what I’m actually thinking about myself at the moment. I just do hope that time would still come and it’s still possible to happen. No matter how bad a person I was, I still longed to be cared for, listened to, understood and loved by other people for real.
I might look desperate, so be it. Yes, I crave attention and affection. Call and say anything about me you would like, but this is who I am through these years. Being bullied, ignored and rejected made me be this way. Ever since I was a kid, people would often judge me as the worst, over one another person from time to time. I’m quite used to it though I sometimes get affected, whenever it comes from someone I never expected to. How I wish, I could restart my life and live the kind of life I’ve been wondering about all through these years. If there’s only a way to escape, I might reconsider to gladly make it; just to be free and genuinely happy. I’m very tired of such kind emotional sufferings that always haunts me back, over and over again.
It’s getting late here and I guess that’s all for this entry. By the way, I’m also writing on Wattpad, feel free to visit my profile, then at https://www.wattpad.com/user/ilayxzegurl and might as well, on my other social media accounts with @ilayxzegurl as my username. Don’t forget to pray, stay safe always and good night! ƪ(˘⌣˘)ʃ
–ilayxzegurl ♡
ilay 