It’s already almost 1:30 am here, and I couldn’t sleep yet. So, I just then decided to grab my laptop—to try to write out what I have been thinking and feeling at the same time, after of more than two weeks of not posting nor writing anything. I just actually had cried earlier before this, which made me realized that I wasn’t fully healed for such traumas yet. Maybe because, it was somehow triggered of what happened last night.
Well, I was casually chatting with my niece in our group chat in messenger and then, she suddenly opened up about her issues with her friends. It’s not just a simple issue to considered, since I also somewhat experienced the same. That’s all I could share, since it’s not my story to tell. Anyway, in my case which was quite similar to hers, it’s about the experience of being left out by your group of friends.
Let’s be open that in a circle of friends, there would be usually an inner group. Hence, it’s something we’re out of control. Don’t get me wrong, but as for someone who seemed to be left out from her considered circle of friends, it’s much painful than anyone would think. Also, it would even made one to doubt and questioned herself. Thus, it’s also something which wasn’t easy to deal with.
I’m not sure if I happen to mention it before, but I don’t have circle of friends ever since not until I came into college. Well, I’m not quite sure if I do really belong to that circle, but I usually tend to join them in and outside of the university. I’m honestly not used to having such before and so, I’m not really sure if it’s what I have thought of. I’m scared of thinking of such, since I might be just assuming things, just like what happened before. I’m scared of having the same mistakes that my younger self has done. In fact, I often referred them as my classmates since they are really my classmates, however I often became hesitant to call them as my friends, more over a group of friends because of such.
It actually happened before. I thought of someone to be my best friend and yet, it turned I wasn’t really not a best friend for them. I’m just someone who’s been feeling close to someone and to his friends. It had led to not so good experiences for me and with that, I seemed to become traumatized of what happened. Since then, I became even more scared of having friends—thinking of someone of being my friend. Yup even more, since it’s just a secondary reason of such. Aside from that, I was bullied at school before, for several times which also involved higher grade level students. I only experience few physical contacts bullying and yet, it’s more on the verbal ones which really hurts me the most. It’s actually the primary reason why, I often choose to distance myself from other people.
For so many years, I rarely became vocal about such things. I mostly tried to deal it by myself silently. However, I never thought that it wouldn’t really be that easy. Also, I never thought that I would be crying as I expressed out what I’ve been feeling through writing. I guess, I’m still hurting for such and after all, I was still being affected by those traumatic experiences. I’m not only scared of such, but it seems like it’s my reaction as being traumatized. Just to share, I really wanted to have friends—a circle of friends and yet, there’s always something that would stop me.
I sometimes tried to overcome it, even tried to reach out someone to have a friend. Yet, it always not turned out the way it should be. I’m really having difficulty after such happenings. I’m afraid to trust other people not only because of those two mentioned above, but also because I happened to experience being physically and verbally hurt as a kid by other people. It was mostly because of some of our former helpers/sitters. In fact, I have a scar on my right lower back, which has unknown reason why. I only know that I had that, since it happened when I was still a baby. Thinking how my younger self had to bear upon at such a young age, already hurt me and yet, there’s more after that.
I was being shouted for several times, which made afraid of being shouted even up until this age. I feel so scared and my heartbeat so fast than the usual. I also tends to be blamed for things I didn’t do, nor don’t really know what really happened during such when I was younger. Thanks to those people who had changed up the story and even, make me as the villain. *insert sarcastic tone.* It doesn’t hurt as much as what I had mentioned above, but still made me have trust issues with people. The thing that only hurt me for such, was when those people I cared about didn’t believe me during those times. I also remember being hit by a stick on my legs when I was younger, alongside with painful pinches on my skin which would often leave that part red marks.
I lost the count of how many heavy sighs I had, since the moment I have been writing this entry. It wasn’t easy for me, but it’s better for me to do so. In this way, it could help me out to release such emotions I still have left in me, without even knowing not until it became triggered up. I used to think that I was already okay, since I had cry it out before. “Matagal na yon, dapat wala na yon sayo.” God knows how many times I wish it—those really did. I had tried to forget such, but I couldn’t really do it. It’s too painful to forget about so easily, the pain wouldn’t subside and even still affects me all time, I wish it would finally over.
It wasn’t easy for me all along to tried to live up my life, in accordance with what someone on my age would normally does. It’s because what I had experience before is not normal to happen and, should not be normalized to take place in one’s life. So, if you happen to see—know me personally, I hope you wouldn’t judge me easily. Instead, I do hope that you would at least try first to understand where I was coming from. Moreover, I hope it would also happen to everyone, regardless of having the similar not so good experiences or not.
It’s almost 3:00 am here and, I feel like I was able to write what I feel to include on this entry. Thus, it’s also good that I stop crying now and even, somehow feel better upon doing this. Anyway, thank you for spending your time reading my entry!
ilay 